Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Upside Down

This week has left us trying to find the topside of our shaken snow globe. Monday night we learned some devastating news about McKay's surgeon. The man we searched for, researched, insisted on, trusted, prayed for, wept across from in gratitude overflowing is now battling for his own life after a shocking and serious diagnosis. We have already begun praying for a miracle all his own.

I first heard the news Monday night at a benefit concert for an adult version of McKay and his buddies, musician Paul Cardall. At 36 years old, Paul's overworked heart is now in need of a replacement and after eight months on the transplant waiting list, he was also in need of a well-deserved outpouring of love and support. It was a celebration. A reverencing of life. A group prayer.

As Paul closed the concert he dedicated a song to McKay's surgeon and I was confused. I searched out some other heart moms after the concert and learned the news. He was sick, he had resigned, he had no plans to come back to the hospital. The news precipitated my first real panic attack. I cannot believe how sick I felt. I could barely breathe. All I could do was cry and say, "Who else can save my baby; there is no one else."

A few days later, I'm still having moments where I need to remind myself to breathe. But I am finding a bit of clarity. My faith is in the plan, not the man. Right? Right? Now I'm not so sure. Even more surprising and disappointing to me is that this new news, this new reality is proving my faith may have not been as completely and purely placed as I'd hoped. Yes. That type of soul shaking honesty is surely more worthy of panic and disappointment.

Mostly my search for air and firmly-placed allegiance to this particular miracle maker stems from comments made in our post-Glenn debrief that McKay's Fontan will be complicated by his dextrocardia. He mentioned doing some mental mapping during the Glenn while literally staring at McKay's unique anatomy and planned to make some notes about it in preparation for modifying the Fontan for McKay. First thing Tuesday morning I called and had a nurse read me McKay's post-op notes--no mention of future plans or considerations. Where are the notes? Please find the notes.

At this point we are officially praying that this gifted surgeon will be healed and then exercising complete faithlessness by trying to decide if we're going to need to look outside of Utah for McKay's next surgery. When considering all the variables we've tried to orchestrate, to control, when planning for McKay's treatment and future, this is truly the one variable we had never considered. And I'm sure it's the one thing our heart hero of a surgeon didn't give much thought to either. Serious irony. Serious tragedy. Serious prayers.

McKay's situation will find its answers. I will find my breath. We will find a rhythm and move forward. Tonight we ask you to join us and petition God on behalf of a special man who is as deserving of a miracle as anyone I know. Our hearts (half and whole) are with him.


Lisanne said...

My sister works in the pharmacy at Primary and her and I were talking about this doc yesterday. He is so young and is so gifted. What a shocker! I am so sorry you are dealing with another stumbling block. We will say our prayers!

kto1s said...

Oh Mindi--I'm sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the extra added weight this must be putting on your shoulders. Know that I am praying for you and your surgeon and that I have faith that we qualify for the power we need for each trial that comes our way. You, my dear, are a giant in that sense.

wylie said...

OH that is shocking, I'm so sorry! We will add him and the situation to our prayers.

brees said...

Wow, that gave me the chills. We will be praying for you and your wonderful doctor at this time.

Meredith said...

I'm so sorry. We'll keep him and his family in our prayers. Something will work out for McKay, I just know it.

Paul Cardall said...

I share your frustration and thank you for coming to the show. It was truly amazing. We are so humbled!

Today my cardiologists assured me that the surgeon who has replaced Hawkins is exceptional and if they didn't think so they would send me out of state to another surgeon. I believe we are in good hands (literally).

If you want to talk more about things let me know. I'm happy to help where I can.

LaTour said...

Oh Mindi- I am so sorry. You are such an amazing person. I am always in awe of you. Your kids are so wonderful...and I know why- it is because you and Matt are so wonderful. My thoughts and prayers are with you! If there is anything I can do to help please let me know!

Joel and Angie said...

I am truly sorry to hear this. I do know that everything happens for a reason. There is nothing that I pray harder for than the health and strength of my children. Your little boy has been and now this Doctor will be shared in those prayers. I have been very touched looking at all the "heart baby" sites. I went to High School with Paul and know what a great person he is. I am praying and thinking of you!

Swan Family said...

I hope this reaches you, I just read your blog about your surgeon and I wanted to send a recomendation. Dr. Ross Ungerleider who is in Ohio at a Cardiac Hospital. He is a fanastic pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. He saved my son's life and I know he specialized in HLHS. We sought him out as a second opinion, and it was like fate sent us to him.He is also just an amazing man, he was always there with my son. My thoughts are with you and your family.