Tuesday, November 24, 2009

All is Well

It's been 10 days since our "episode" with Ty and I finally feel brave enough to say it out loud: "Everyone is healthy!"

As I held my breath this week (partly in fear of symptoms and partly because I sprayed a near continuous cloud of Lysol for three days straight) seeing who, if any of us, would get sick next, I felt something I have not felt in a long time--fear.

Fear for my children. Fear for an invisible enemy I could not stop. Fear for unknown outcomes and trials I'd rather not experience. My mind calculated and re-calculated contingency plans. If McKay showed ANY signs of a cough we would take him immediately to the hospital. If I got sick, I would go to a hotel. And on. And on. And on. And you know the result of all that constant worry? Lost time. Wasted energy. Worry is not preparation. Planning, preparing; that's different from worry. Worry leaves you feeling helpless. Hopeless. Unproductive. Distracted. Worry is the opposite of trust.

A scripture came to mind this morning as I continued to exhale the week that was. "And the angel said, 'Fear not, for I bring you good tidings of great joy.'" Fear not. It was the very first phrase the heaven's uttered when our Savior descended to mortality. Fear not. The Lord does not want us to be afraid. He wants us to trust. Trust in Him. Trust in each other. Trust in His plan.

And there is a plan. Most days I fall short of seeing what some of the intricate details of my plan have to do with the big picture of what He's making of me. But there are moments; moments when you feel the stars align; moments when people show up at your door or in your life at just the right time; moments when you get the tiniest glimpse of His love. And those are the moments you feel fearless. You feel surrounded by love and want nothing but to give it to others.

I have had more than my share of those moments. I am blessed. After all, it was one year ago today that I lived the most fearful night of my life. One year ago I was trying to stay present in what I worried may be my last day with a three-month old baby who would have his second open heart surgery tomorrow. One year ago, I was trying to trust and failing miserably. One year ago, I wondered if God would let me raise my little McKay just a bit longer. We prayed. We cried. We watched him sleep. And we woke to a morning where we had to trust in our strength to purposefully hand him over to another. We had to trust doctors and nurses and surgeons and God. And God, He is kind. Of course, all was well. McKay has exceeded every expectation of growth and health and quality of life in the past 12 months.

And this year? This year has been among the best, worst, hardest, most fulfilling, soul searching, growing times of my life.

And for that I am thankful.

Sure we're back on oxygen. Sure we're slip-sliding our way back into the operating room. And on the outside it may seem we have not come that far. But I can tell you, on the inside, nothing will ever be the same. We are forever changed. Changed by love. Changed by trust. Changed by answered prayers--and time. Changed by our perceptions of the time we're each given--it is precious and fleeting and not at all our own. And as awful as it was to feel fear again this week, it was good to be reminded of the contrast between fear and faith. They are opposites. They cannot exist in the same same heart. And I choose faith.


Patti said...

Again, you bring tears to my eyes with your faith and testimony.

Marshelle said...

You just never cease to amaze me with your words of inspiration. I am thankful for you and your family-you have taught and inspired me more than you know. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Kyle and Alli said...

Your words so clearly express the many feelings I hold deep in my heart. Fear and faith have definitely been common themes of the last year for us. I appreciate your ability to live and embrace the moments!

Lisanne said...

I am glad to read no one else got sick! Thanks for your fabulous words!! You are amazing!!!

The Smith's said...

Thank you, Mindi, for writing down the lessons God is teaching you, so that others may be reminded and encouraged. Fear IS exhausting and the time spent spinning in that vicious circle can be so much better spent! Our family's faith has been tested and refined as well these past couple years since Luke was diagnosed and I'm so thankful.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving with your wonderful family ... how much we have to be thankful for!


brees said...

Thank you Mindi! I really needed that today. I have let fear of a number of things take hold of me this week. It has done nothing but make me more fearful, waste time with my precious family and make me sick, literally. I choose faith tonight.

I am so glad that no one else has become ill. I am thankful for you and your cute family. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

likeschocolate said...

Hugs! Hope you and your family had a very Happy Thanksgiving. Trust in thy Lord and thy God and fear not.

Kimi said...

I can't read your blog! I am pretty sure I cry every time I do! You are amazing to me!

Anonymous said...

It is December and I have watched your blog all year.
I am thinking your boy's must have worn all the knees of their pants out praying about what to do with The Christmas Jar.
What ever did they decide?
I hope it was fun.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.